What’s the first thing you do before booking a hotel stay? Check out online reviews, of course. And while the world’s most exquisite 5-star hotels usually have nothing but gushing tributes and unanimous praise, occasionally, they rub visitors up the wrong way, prompting a number of acid-tongued travellers to leave less than positive reviews. We’ve scoured the web for some of the funniest 1-star reviews of some of the planet’s best hotels.

In prime position in the South of France, Hotel du Cap Eden-Roc is widely regarded to be one of the best hotels in the world. However, its stellar reputation was not enough to convince Mike G, who left a scathing review on TripAdvisor entitled “Might as well have been mugged..." bemoaning the hotel’s astronomical prices.

The review started off positively, with Mike writing: “Beautifully simple and smartly turned out, you can feel the money that has been invested to make this a great location.” However, the tables soon turned...

“Unfortunately reality hit our group as hard and slimy as a wet fish to the face,” he wrote. “The service really was terrible… Nothing that turned up to the table was remotely special. The pasta was so bland you might as well have been eating cardboard, the burger was only marginally better than a late night kebab shop and the club sandwich worse than a Swiss airport special.”

The reviewer then began to lay into the hotel’s high prices. “To eat at Cap Eden-Roc you need a small mortgage,” he wrote. “The burgers were €45 each, the club sandwich €38... I don't mind paying for good food but dropping nearly a grand for 8 people for an awful lunch - we would have fared better if we'd been mugged in the street on the way back from a Macdonalds.” Ouch.

Hazlitt’s may be one of London’s most popular boutique hotels (and we love it enough to recommend it in our London guide), with its Georgian building dating back to 1718. But for one TripAdvisor reviewer, merrystocking, it didn’t live up to expectations. In a review entitled “No!”, merrystocking waxed lyrical about the hotel’s many disappointments.

merrystocking had been told in advance that the hotel boasted “romantic typical traditionnal british charm” [sic], but was quick to denounce Hazlitt’s as having “nothing of the warmth and cosiness typical of romantic and british charm".

The reviewer quickly went on to say that the hotel felt like stepping into “your great great great grand-mother's place in old Europe, numerus old furniture and velvet, dim lights and dark spaces, dusty smell of ancient houses”, with "crooked, soft, uneven creaky narrow staircases” and “a massive dark four poster bed, all dressed up in velvet, faded books [and] a somewhat unhappy old person staring down angrily at us from an old painting”.

It might just be us, but that sounds pretty much exactly like traditional British charm. merrystocking also took issue with the stairs, the bathroom, the television, the size of the bed and the room configuration, ending the review scathingly: “Overall impression, is one of the worst value for money we've ever encountered. I know the pictures look nice, and the time-travel adventure can seam attractive, but in reality the Hazlitt's is closer to a bad taste, uncomfortable,very overcharged b&b”.

One unhappy customer clearly didn’t enjoy his trip on the paradisaical island of Mauritius, writing a scornful review of his trip to Shanti Maurice. Shoaib H’s review, "not a clean hotel, not cheap, drinks not included", complained about multiple factors: a broken jetty, broken pipes and a chipped manicure.

Part of his review read: “the rooms do not have a iron as they want to iron your clothes for you, this is so they could charge you for it”. However, Shoaib did like one part of his 5-star experience, writing: “the only thing that was nice was the banana bread during breakfast.”

The general manager was quick to respond, explaining the jetty was broken due to a severe storm and that the “ironing board as well as the iron are available on request, we would have been more than happy to deliver one to you, but there is not any record in our log-book."

The final slam-dunk from the manager went as follows: “As per your Trip Advisor profile, I understand that you are not an easy person to please as 10 of the 13 reviews are classified as terrible.However, I am pleased that our banana bread was appreciated and left some positive impact on what seems to be a bad experience at Shanti, but please do consider to give us another chance and I will be very happy along with my Team to change your perception.”

In one of the more confusing 1-star reviews on TripAdvisor, reviewer coffeebar seemed to take issue with the excellent service offered by the hotel, lambasting the luxurious Four Seasons Hotel George V Paris in a review called “the hotel that proves that flattery will get you anywhere."

The review began with a question: “now why would someone that just stayed in the most beautiful property, given the most exellent service and slept in the most beautiful room on a fantastic bed have mixed feelings about anything in this world? well, to have feelings is a human thing, and this is the one thing this [hotel] lacks of: humaneness.”

coffeebar seems to have taken the smiles of hotel staff as an insult, writing: “This is more like a well designed and extreemly well orchestrated ripp off. they know that what you really want, what you secretly dream of is to be treated like royalty so they give it to you, but they do it in a very cynical way… they do it in a flattering way which so many reviewers bought into so easily... they smile and sweet talk you all the way to spending 150 EUR(!) for a regular 50 min aromatherapy massage."

It didn’t occur to coffeebar that perhaps this was just genuine 5-star service in action. The review concluded dramatically: “its like disneyland for grown-ups, letting the ‘ordenery people’ to live a dream once in a lifetime. problem is, the more experienced travellers will feel that micky mouse is laughing at them under his mask.”

You might expect that if you’re travelling to Ibiza, you’re into parties, music and late nights, but for TripAdvisor reviewer Geoff B, the wild experience he had at ME Ibiza was enough to put him off for life – and enough to lead him to pen a strongly-worded review, entitled "The most horrendous hotel experience I have ever had“.

The review began: “Make no mistake, this 5 star hotel is located in paradise, which why we booked it for quiet 3 day break. However, from 9am until the early hours of the morning, there is constant Ibiza Club music paid throughout the hotel. It is impossible to escape the monotonous pounding bass and mind bending repetitive electronic riffs; the speakers from the resident DJ are around the pool, in reception, in the bars, in the restaurants.”

The party atmosphere of Ibiza was too all-pervasive for Geoff B, with adjoining venues also playing the dance music the island is so famous for. "You can't even escape the noise even by going to beautiful beach, because the DJ from the ajoining NIkki Beach Hotel competes with how much volume they can each pump up,” he wrote. “There is no escape in the room, as the thumping bass pervades the whole hotel, all day and all night.”

Geoff B added that he’d spoken to the management, but they pointed out that this is what the hotel (and Ibiza) is about. He continued: "so if you want pay £600 per night for torture like this, then this is your hotel, however, if want a relaxing time in a luxury hotel, stay as far away from the Ibiza ME hotel as possible.”

In his final line, Geoff B cautioned future guests: “There are list of other things wrong with this hotel that certainly doesn't warrant it being one of the leading hotels of the world; it is not much more than an highly over priced beach bar. You have been warned!”

Travellers from all over the world flock to the Maldives for the pristine coral reefs and incredible underwater life, but for TripAdvisor reviewer Eda A, who penned a post entitled “Honeymoon let down....:(", the beautiful Maldives resort of Velassaru didn’t live up to her standards.

Eda A was unimpressed by her bungalow on the Indian Ocean, writing: “We initially had room 306 (sunset) water bungalow with pool. Lovely room however we wasn't Wowed over it as we did when looking online photographs, very windy, too windy that we couldn't even make use of the pool. Consulted the receptionist who changed the room with in the same hour to the opposite side of the beach... this side was warmer, but again not warm enough for us to jump in in the evening."

After learning that hotels in the Maldives don't control the weather, it transpired that it wasn’t just the wind that displeased Eda A. Despite the Maldives having some of the world's finest coral reefs, she was also displeased by these, writing: "so much coral, were on our 5th night and not once made use of the sea from our bungalow, we rather go to the pool area where the sea is crystal clear."

We'll leave it to you to judge from these spectacular photos how much more crystal clear the Indian Ocean could get, but clearly, coral isn't for everyone, and especially not for Eda A.

Many tourists in London head straight for the Shard for its spectacular views and 5-star service, but reviewer LondonDylan was dismayed enough by his visit to the Shangri-La Hotel At The Shard that he wrote a damning review entitled "Disastrous hotel, overrun with view seeking tourists".

Beginning his review by comparing the hotel to staying “in a theme park akin to the London Dungeons or Madame Tussauds”, he then detailed how the “restaurant and bar were swamped by gawking day trippers.” Which is, quite frankly, hardly surprising, as it's one of the city's top attractions.

LondonDylan tried to see the funny side, turning his breakfast experience into a: “Next morning - breakfast at TING, (which must be short for WAITING) as we had to queue for 20 minutes as it was full!! This is meant to be a 5 star hotel. We did wait but wish we hadn't as I spotted a waitress use her fingers to stir the noodles at the buffet… The shambles was becoming amusing, yet very annoying."